


What I've Done

by akgerhardt



Series: SFW [19]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, M/M, Resurrection/Retcon, Some graphicness but no gore or violence, Your author isn't projecting but has a lot of issues, allusions to self-harm, and tried to end it at least half a dozen times back in the day, dirk's pov, so this bird is extended to the Epilogues, temporary suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 10:01:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20062186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt/pseuds/akgerhardt
Summary: "I'll start again... and, whatever pain may come, today this ends."





	What I've Done

**Author's Note:**

> (This is still unedited.)

It hurts.

It hurts like a weight slowly crushing your lungs, drawing out your suffocation far longer than you thought possible.

It hurts like the piercing numbness of freezing cold or the sickening squalor of extreme heat, insufferable, maddening forces with no escape or end in sight. They wear you down until you're nothing but a husk of your former self, too weak to move.

It hurts like an even more dramatic, badly-phrased metaphor. In your defense, you weren't known to wax poetic.

It was never enough. Each decision in the moment only pushed you further along, only made the pain worse until you ended up here- too far gone, overwhelmed with guilt, fear, and dread.

You decided that you weren't worth saving, and that no one should be burdened by your continued existence- not even you. Maybe that in itself was a sliver of self-love, or maybe it was just your last resort, your last attempt to stop yourself from becoming completely unhinged. To avoid continuing the downward spiral of insanity, to not lose all that once mattered to you, to kill the monster that lurked below your consciousness. The monster was you, you wrote, and it would only be a matter of time before no difference would remain between him and your present self. You failed to fight sufficiently, though you feel that it was always an unwinnable battle. Regardless, you know you fucked up far too many times. There's only so much compassion and forgiveness you can show yourself for willingly choosing to make the wrong decisions, for defaulting and taking the easy ways out.

You harmed them enough already, and you've dragged this out for far too long. There's nothing to mourn, and you hope they'll realize that.

You almost hesitated, but all of the anger you'd repressed surged forward at that moment, finishing the job before your obsession with suffering could prolong it (or worse, intervene).

It wasn't your first attempt, but you were young, stupid, and alone then. You like to think you have more self-control now, even if you're still a dumbass who opted for isolation to return to this situation. Anyway, back to the present.

Sweet mother of fuck, it hurts. It wasn't supposed to last this long, but, arguably, neither were you. If the pain and accompanying blind panic could subside enough for you to think, you'd probably decide that it was a fitting end- no mercy for the sinner. Still, you pass out before you can actually die.

Two days pass, and then someone finds you festering in your own waste. You apologized to whoever the unlucky bastard was in the note, but it obviously accomplished jackshit. That image is never leaving them. They get to be the one to contact the authorities, and then the authorities contact your… people? You don't think you have the right to call them friends anymore, let alone loved ones. Not that you _ can _think- you're just a rotting corpse now.

Jake loses his mind and accidentally gets hit by a goddamn car, but the blessing that is conditional immortality revives him. By blessing, you mean curse- you only managed to break yours because you tortured yourself until you figured out how to destroy your own soul. You made sure to get rid of that safety barrier before going through with the rest, because you don't think you could have handled yet another failed attempt.

Dave… Dave crumbles when he hears the news. He's alone, like Jake, and slowly breaks down in silence until the others show up. Karkat gets through his trance, and then he’s hugging back, clinging to them and sobbing.

Of course, no one else takes it well. Roxy relapses but stops once they decide to stay together. Misery loves company, you'd suppose, though mutual comfort and support is necessary for their healing.

It takes a damn long while for them to regain the faintest semblance of stability, but as soon as Dave can handle it, he makes a fraymotif with Terezi. Rose said that a large group going would probably be less effective, and even the ones who didn't grow up with you were incapacitated by the event. Jane is still in a bad frame of mind, prone to lashing out in bouts of irrational rage. Jake, the wreck that he is, is chosen along with Roxy for the fraymotif, the reason being that you were most affected by them and Dave. Rose won't let Dave go for his own wellbeing and tells Jake and Roxy plainly that, if they succeed in altering the timeline, they will be the only ones who remember the subsequent events. They agree without hesitation and soon find themselves awakening slightly younger. They split up and search frantically.

The Page is fully realized now, and his emotional state makes him a force not to be trifled with. He'll be damned if he can't _ save _you, and he's prepared to die trying. You would laugh morbidly at that- the implication that there's something worth saving and the fact that anyone, let alone him, would put themselves in this position for you despite all that you've done and neglected to do.

You'd feel like shit, is what you mean.

He has access to every ability under the suns, though he often doesn't know how to use it. By the time he figures out how to locate you and poofs into the vicinity, he's just a couple minutes too late. He cries more out of frustration than anything, kneeling by your body and cradling your upper half in his arms. The tears flow freely, and he wishes beyond logic that you'll come back to life. It intensifies in the way that Hope does until he leans down and gives you a Disney-style kiss, getting your face wet in the process.

You don't remember the first time he kissed you (for the same reason that he's kissing you now), but he draws it out like it's all he can do to reach out and bring you back.

He succeeds, probably because he just loves and believes in you that much. If you were aware of what was happening, you'd tell yourself once again that you don't deserve him, don't deserve anything. It doesn't matter. All of the damage, the memories, the act itself- erased from existence in that moment.

Simply put, you didn't even get the chance to fail again.

Your heart restarts, falling into a normal rhythm as consciousness returns to you like headlights on the horizon, illuminating your mind until it's blinding. Your body stutters, and you jolt awake, gasping to catch the breath you didn't have.

He pulls back and gives you space, just enough to reposition himself and cling to you, sobbing into your chest.

"Dirk!!!"

You get a second chance to panic, at least. You have zero recollection of what happened after you tried to kill yourself, since you technically didn't go through with it. Now he's holding onto you like you did, and you've had enough experience with blacking out to know that that wasn't what happened.

"I. I'm so fucking s-sorry…"

"... You are NEVER dying EVER AGAIN, and that's final! Do you hear me?!"

"I'm sorry-"

"Shh, just. Just don't die! Got it?"

"Y- Yes... But Jake, I'm a goddamn monster. I hurt people. I hurt _ you. _I've become far worse of a person than you can imagine. I'm dangerous- a liability. I can’t continue to- to do this shit, day in and day out, so I was trying to do the right thing for once in my pathetic life; I don't deserve to-"

"Dirk, you know I love you, right? You don’t have to wrack your conscience over this right now. Let it rest, please…"

He tightens his grip, and the guilt accompanying the lack of verbal exchange that follows opens your floodgates for the first time in longer than you can remember. You didn't think a good cry could help clear away the crap in your brain like it is, and it feels like someone took Windex to a dust-caked glass pane. He's gotten it out of his system by the time you can breathe normally, but you're still compromised and he shows no desire to let up. You hold him close even though your intrusive thoughts are screaming that you'll hurt him if you continue to, that you already have.

Inhale, exhale. He's shaking from residual nerves, but your steady presence helps calm and reassure him. If it hurt him this much, maybe you can settle for locking yourself up in the middle of nowhere. Just fucking melt the key and erect an unbreachable barrier for you alone to take shelter behind. Yeah, that does sound like the more logical solution. You’re embarrassed that you didn't think of it earlier.

"What the flip are you mumbling about? You can't seriously be planning to- to do this _ again _ and make-"

"I need help." 

…

He looks up to meet your eyes, which you assume are at least as bleary as his.

"You're not in this alone. We're _ all _here for you, and there's no shame."

After a moment, you nod, exasperated, then turn to blow your nose in your note and trash it.

Why do humans have to be social creatures? You know you're manipulative, but how the hell did you manage to get people _ this _invested in you? Why can't they just… not give a shit? You think it would make everything a lot easier if they didn't. After all that you'd put him through, you were hoping he'd leave on his own, but you’re too selfish to push him away again.

"S' not your job to fix me. Only I can, providing it's even possible."

"It's going to be alright. We're going to get you help, and you _ will _feel better," he murmurs, seemingly more to assure himself than you.

...

"How… How did you-"

"Your bro has a nifty fraymotif with the teal troll that sends individuals' consciousness back to former times. He got the idea from when you used it in the final battle."

"... Oh." There's a stinging silence, and then- "Oh, fuck, is he here?"

"No, just me and Roxy. The others are spared these memories now- personally, we'd rather remember for all of our sakes… We were gung-ho to go ham and make our own rendition of that scene from _ Yes Man, _but thankfully one of our shared brain cells wisened up and told us that would be stupid- the whole notion of mass intervention or force or what have you…"

He's just sort of leaning into you now, lax against your tense form. You bring a trembling hand to his hair, carding your fingers through it.

"... I deserve to be stripped of my rights and publicly humiliated to the point of no return. Autonomy? Not for me. Seriously, who gave me free will? Shit was a mistake."

"Shut your yapper."

"Shutting it."

...

"Sorry, there's just so much berating a fella can stand when the recipient and deliverer are both dear to him! I wish that you could see yourself the way I do for once…"

"Through a rose-tinted lens, zoomed in to exclude the majority of my mental shitfest?"

"No, as a person just like the rest of us. You hold yourself to such ridonkulously skewed standards and it seems plum exhausting to be frank... Don’t you ever get tired?"

…

"Let me put it this way: my problems are like a huge snowball rolling downhill, and I have to keep ahead of it or else they'll consume me."

"Apologies, but that's not an answer. Aren't you tired of doing that on the daily?"

"... I mean, yeah. But there are no alternatives, sans-"

"You could do a swift skadoodle turnways and just let whatever they are pass by."

...

"What about innocent bystanders? I'm just now factoring that into the mix."

"Hrmm… Well, what say first_ you _ get out of the line of fire, because you're not doing anybody any favors by staying there! Then you can bazooka the ball from the sidelines, or something."

"... Still, that all sounds pretty risky. Easier said than done, and easier to just keep on keepin' on with my endless assfuckery."

"I, for one, believe it's long past time to stop fucking yourself over, but that's not my business."

…

"I'm sorry."

"I love you, Dirk. We all do. You matter a whole lot more than your noggin's tricked you into thinking, and you are _ not _an inherently bad person. Your problems aren't your fault, but they are your responsibility to deal with- at least, that's what my doc says."

"The second to last part sounds fake in my case, but I'll buy it if it makes you happy…"

"It most certainly does!"

"... I love you, too. I just- I'm fucking toxic and ruining your life. I conned you into finding me redeemable, likable, even, yet-"

"I think I'm capable of making my own decisions. For frig's flippin' sake, this malarkey isn't non-negotiable! We've got choices to make, lots of them each day, and they form most of who we are. Just because you may be inclined to act a certain way doesn't mean you have to."

...

"DIRK STRIDER, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!!! I'VE BEEN LOOKIN' EVERYWHERE!"

You both startle, separating as she flies towards you.

"Shitknickers! Sorry, I forgot to-"

She tackles you, and you fall backwards with a soft "mnf." She hugs you like it's her last chance to, conveying countless sentiments in silence. You don't hesitate to reciprocate this time, but another slew of apologies tumble forth.

"Uh uh, imma letchu go off in a sec because I've been hypin' myself up for this for weeks. I know you're still the well-meaning dumbass who jumps at any chance to rag on himself, and I don't wanna sit around tryna get past your self-hatred because that accomplishes fuckall. You listen to me, mister: you ain't dyin' on us or disappearin' cold turkey like that ever, ever again."

"I was- I'm becoming an evil son of a bitch; I thought that was obvious. I can’t-"

"Bullshit. I will shooshpap your ass back to sanity if you start goin' off the deep end, and I ain't gonna take it, either. As wack as it is to picture you ever wanting to hurt us or gettin' so twisted that you don't even realize or care that you are… you sounded p serious about it in the letter, so imma treat it like it is." She sighs and reaches up to cup your cheek, thumbing away a couple tears. "Pumpkin, you can let people help you. You can learn how to ground yourself and keep your head on straight. It’s ok to reach out; that's how this shiz works. You don't have to go it alone and keep rawin' yourself for eternity. I get it if you aren't comf relying on us or even professionals, but you don't gotta do that either! We each need a balance, methinks.

… Our disaster squad made it so much easier to get back up on my feet and stay up after I relapsed- support is really fuckin' important in these kinds of scenarios. We each handled it differently, and Jake… uh, nevermind. Let’s change the subject or somethin', sorry."

"No, I… My reaction wasn't your fault, Dirk. I don't want you to blame yourself and feel worse."

"You can tell me. I mean, if you're ok with sharing."

…

"I lost it when I found out. Flipped my lid and only stopped after I kicked the bucket on accident. It was more embarrassing than parading around in those stupid panties... But I'm ok now! It took a while to get over, for sure, but I'm more or less past it and I ended up unlocking all of these sweet powers."

"... That was entirely my fault. There's no excusing the impact of my actions."

"There's no excusing _ mine, _either. Like I said, I was the one spearheading even if there were external factors in the mix."

…

You finally relent, letting the rest of your composure crumble and pulling them both into a hug.

"I'd say I'm proud of you both, but that would imply I'm in a superior position. I… I admire you so fucking much, and I always have- you inspire me to be a better person just by being a part of my life. You, Jane, Dave, Rose, John, Jade, Davepeta, the trolls- you all mean the world to me. And I know my apologies mean jackshit without action, but I really do regret what I did/was about to do... You didn't have to come back for me. Thank you."

"We love you too," she murmurs, managing to snuggle even closer. "And we get it, even if we don't. Please don’t ollie out if you're feelin' bad- one of the worst parts was realizing that you weren't pissed or anything, and we maybe could've helped you if we knew… And def don't fuckin' go incognito! It's ok to need space and time, but you straight up disappeared and stopped answerin' everyone altogether."

"Yeah, that was an asinine move. Sorry."

"Water under the bridge. Besides, it's not like I never pulled that on you," is Jake’s muffled response, reminding you that he's just been basking in the lovefest.

"So, here's the dealio. We three are the only fuckers who know what happened now, and if you feel like talkin' it out with Davey and the others, that's your call. If I were you, I'd haul ass to our friendly neighborhood therapist and be honest about what you think and feel. If you don't jive with 'em, there're loads more out there to try. Lotsa different methods too. Meds help some people, but you don't wanna dive into that without openin' up and gettin' thorough about it first. Once you find the right combo of ways to help yourself and learn the skills and stuff you need to handle things on your own, you'll prolly feel a lot less inclined to go apeshit... And hey, I've been p crass with the lingo as per usual, but it's really nothin' to be ashamed of. We all have flaws and fuck up; we just gotta learn from said fuck ups to do better. It’s _ ok. _I'd rather have a strugglin' Dirk than a Dirk six feet under, 'cause the first guy can be happy and we're happy he's still here. You care so goddamn much about all of us; it’s ok to let us care back atchu!"

"Gesundheit."

...

"Thanks. So, what d'ya say? Wanna restart this bitch and erase the awful timeline we came from?"

You nod, managing a smile.

"There’s no other way out of it."


End file.
